Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best bird cliques…

A “murder” of crows

A “flamboyance” of flamingos

A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.

Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?

Teenage me: definitely.

30s me: Wait, what

This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10

Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.

Interviewer:

Me: And neither wears pants

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn

Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.

The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.

Kentucky names the shit out of places

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.

3-year-old: I want more milk.

Me: What’s the magic word?

3: *enraged falcon screech*

Close enough.

Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours

✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨

Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott

A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.

If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.

*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!

I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.

My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

#TrueStory

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.