I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
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ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
sometimes i miss this memes
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.