I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
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Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.