Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us

Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”

commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat

H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings

How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?

can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”

For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.

When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.

Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater

“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”

You’re how old?

*does quick math in head*

Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!

-justifying a bad decision with math

Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.

Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.

I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years

Me: My driving test went really badly

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]

My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search

1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?

Me: Yeah, usually.

8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.

In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.