i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
