i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳#stats
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
