i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
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[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.