I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
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Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
road rage
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
when you order from DoorDastardly
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular