I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
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Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.