I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
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Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Netflix: We have Less
If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Holy shit he’s back
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.