Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”

Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”

Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”

Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”

Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

I wonder if any student will ever top this email.

Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!

Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today

Ha

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.

I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

Autocorrect just changed “have a prosperous 2025” to “have a preposterous 2025” and I feel that’s much more likely.

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself

sigh