I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Every. Damn. Time.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
