Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.

Speak now or ever hold your peace

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.

I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that

Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?

Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.

Saint West, the patron of selfies

Gravity is just the earth being really clingy

Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

man: wait

time: no

*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”

her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous

To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.

Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?

In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first

HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?

Me: Roast Chicken.

HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?

Me: yes, a roast chicken.

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.

[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.