I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
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“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
New word: Biscgret.
Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out