I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
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[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Webb. James Webb.
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My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
Hitlers gonna hitl
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
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Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
That’s amazing.
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