Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao

“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.

Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.

Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!

Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

Sister: What can I get your kids this year?

Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?

Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.

Me:

bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

This guy’s not having it 😆

I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

old twitter is back baby

“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*

WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????

It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”

ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”

“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}