Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”

*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

When you kidnap a writer.

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves

Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.

Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*

The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.

I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.

Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.

Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.