Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.

My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them

The probiotic bottle says there’s a billion good bacteria in every dose. How do we know they’re all good? Out of a billion can we be sure there’s not one mean ass microbe just waiting to escape the capsule and kill someone?

happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician

I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses

going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything

Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true

If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.

[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.

But science tells us otherwise.

#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.