Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature

[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender

I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:

Yeah sure what time

Doctor: Have often do you have sex?

Me: Once or twice

Doctor: A week?

Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old

-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets

if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

[first date]

her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughter’s piano recital

If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.

Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor

[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages

wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.

Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’

Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely