Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?

I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy

My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.

When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist

Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

*getting a deli sandwich*

person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?

me: yes

person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price

me: that’s ok I’m good

person: it’s FREE cheese tho

me: I don’t want that much cheese

person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE

spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.

She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.

Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.

ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.

I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?

Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?