I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
You Might Also Like
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I finally found a reason to live again.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.