I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
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Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Saving my good tweets for marriage
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy