I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
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being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB