I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
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Are you ok, human???
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
I have so many questions.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Same pineapple, same
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs