Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.

Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.

I’m about to make it rein, deer.

(Please don’t block me.)

Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”

Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher

I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.

I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream

[apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them

Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

I didn’t hit him with my car…

I massaged him with my wheels.

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”

As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.

caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!

hamster: finally!!!

Alien: we are here to enslave you

Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?

Alien: I SAID..

Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night

Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.

Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”

[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL