I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
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A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
incredible google review i just found
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.