i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
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Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Saturday
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
it really cannot be overstated how important it is to be thirty years younger than the guy you’re fighting
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second