Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

me: lol THAT’S your sword?

enemy: this blade can cut through steel

me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot

GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.

US: That used to be a Blockbuster.

KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.

Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.

[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*

I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp

*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”

🤣🤣

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

October 31

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come

I saw this ending much differently.

Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear.

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall