I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
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I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
San Francisco has too many rules
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
This is not me but this is me
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.