Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.

(Don’t need me)

My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.

JERY: Maybe you can just go back

TERESA MAY: go back ?

JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.

MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?

JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-

toupeed eagle: what?

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.

This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.

He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?

She: Roger

He: Does he bite?

She: No

He: How does he eat then?

Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.

When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave

My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.

somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him

Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria

toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag

Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.

Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.

Me: The what?

One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.

Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)

If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.