I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
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[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Tony Hawk, age 6
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”
The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.