Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it

maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased

Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.

Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars

My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life

If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.

– birds

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?

Me: (holding back tears) 3 days

D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like

M: Not really

Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.

Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?

A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant

M: Oh you naughty minx!

Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.

[first date]

ME: so where are you from?

HER: I’m Finnish

ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]

HER: wtf?

You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.