@Iwriteforcats

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

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@Cpin42

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

@DannyZuker

Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

@Dawn_M_

Getting sick of seeing dogs that are not falling in love or at least sharing spaghetti.

@billnihilism

listen…valentines day is a scam invented by scorpios so people would have sex and make more scorpios

@marthasa1

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

@BackrowSeats

It won’t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It’ll be me laughing at an inappropriate time.

@Shingaboop

Look UPS guy, you can’t just show up at someone’s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.

@YearOfRat

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

@internetluke

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

@njlitigator

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens