I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
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Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?