I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

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First they came for the Fight Club members, but I said nothing, because…you know…rules.


My kid asked me if I would get her some dominoes and I ordered her pizza. She wanted the game tiles.


Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.


*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.


the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now


trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.


When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.


All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?


Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..