I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

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A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”


Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.


Getting sick of seeing dogs that are not falling in love or at least sharing spaghetti.


listen…valentines day is a scam invented by scorpios so people would have sex and make more scorpios


After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.


It won’t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It’ll be me laughing at an inappropriate time.


Look UPS guy, you can’t just show up at someone’s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.


My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.


[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell


Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens