I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
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“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.