Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”

[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*

Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.

Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

I can easily control the weather.

– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.

Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.

Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?

The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal

ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.

Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical

The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.

Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.

I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”

And then there were 4

good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”

Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.