I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
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Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
same energy
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.