I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
