I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
