I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
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Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
shampoo implies shampee
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Yes 😂
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Sending in my taxes