I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
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Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
dictator is short for richard potato
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together