I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
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The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!
Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
You are not alone 💚
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
😼🖥️
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.