I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
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And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
