Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.

“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.

Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Probably my communication skills.

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?

Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.

My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails

autocorrect: Dan!

me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.

autocorrect: *growling* Dan.

me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO

Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!

Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.

I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible

Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too

Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?

Me: Maybe for free HBO.

Cable Guy:

Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.

Cable Guy:

@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*