I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
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“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
それは草
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra