The president says 60% of Americans don’t know math — 60%. So what if 60% don’t know math? What about the 85% that do know math?
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
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Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
If I’m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.
All generalizations are stupid.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG