Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

I wish this was real life…

Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average

Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?

Me: a black swirling pit of despair

Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’

~nervous tics

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.

“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”

If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.

I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque

Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education

Me: I’m a teacher

I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night

Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?

Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*

me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.