I worked as a programmer for autocorrect but the fried me for no raisin #PunYourJob

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My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.


It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.


I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

*I’m not even high.


Helping my kid memorize a list of cities and accidentally wrote a Pitbull song.


You know what’s really great about being a narcissist? Me.


Sometimes I try to eat healthy but my stomach’s like “what if you die tomorrow?” and I’m like “good point” and I have a whole pizza.


*plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni…*

*yeah, screw this*


Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”