Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
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Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.