I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
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Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
scares
