I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
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*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls