If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
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My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
the last thing a carrot sees
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
bought wrong eggs
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
when someone compliments me
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?