Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
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I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now