i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
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My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
hmmm
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
shakira sharkira
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.