i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
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I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Hero horse inspires millions
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.