I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
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Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Big Sex has us all fooled
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
cat faces on other animals, a thread
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.