I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
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Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Yes, but it was never about money
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.