Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.

My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

i want enemies

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?

*uses Oujia board*

ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ

me: what’s updog?

ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ

me: what

cat: what

Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.

Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?

ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars

HER: what’s it called

ME: sorry, no spoilers

7: dad can you help me with this math problem

me: sure

me: [sees it] nope.

The math problem:

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?

“Omg”

Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.

It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.

Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally

people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed

Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat

Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?

Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot

I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.