Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”

Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.

Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.

I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.

*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*

My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.

me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination

me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.

The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.

Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’

Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.

Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.

You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.

Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!

Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?

her: i love croissants

me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too

woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me

[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…