Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it was served warm, it would be justwater.

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces

If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.

You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.

Me: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: how do you like it

Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.

Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

*gets filled with hope*

Hope: *has a leak*

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.

Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper