I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
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I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Lmfao
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
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My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?