I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
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My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
me: it’s bedtime.
my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Check out the legs on this baby
