Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday

Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless

time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women

Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

*when toddlers meet*

Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8

I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!

I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.

If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house

Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..

My wedding will be open casket.

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.