Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.

I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.

Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old

100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’

Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?

Person 2: I did

Person 1: what’s he like?

Person 2: so tender and mild

Person 1: what

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.

Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

superman: nice car does it have gps

batman: no

superman: then how do you know where you’re going

batman: *starts screaming*

eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.

I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.

“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.

I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?

Me: …

people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire

still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

Okay