Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good point.

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget

The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it

– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house

So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.

Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.

That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it

ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you

My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.

Them: I’ll be right back

Me: That’s not necessary

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.

Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.

“Oh, I get it!”

– Me, when I didn’t get it.

My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.

Him: don’t say anything embarrassing

Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby