I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
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IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Couple goals
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”