Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why

Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.

-You’re welcome

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”

Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.

Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

[blind date]

HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?

ME: Absolu-

WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?

HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan

ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

Me: *walks into room*

My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.

Me: *walks back out of room*

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.

Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.

dentist: lay on the chair please

me: ok

dentist: face up

I hope my company doesn’t😂😂

imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…

It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job

me refusing to leave twitter

I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.

Especially from you-know-who.

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom

Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.