i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
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Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going