i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
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A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Let’s Go
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
“This cashier is a dipshit.”
– Me at self checkout