i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
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Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Breaking news:
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Accurate
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Guys which shade of gery should I get
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.