i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I’ve had worse
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.