i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
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Erm I’m gonna say no
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
🤣🤣🤣
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.