i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
You Might Also Like
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
this chia pet tastes awful
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
i actually laughed 😩
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.