I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
You Might Also Like
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
💯😂
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?