“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
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[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
You’re not my real can
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls