“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
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10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Donkey Kong sommelier
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
i’m sure it’s fine
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.