Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.

Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie

ME: I want a normal night of sleep

MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.

Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/

Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school

What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE

[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one

I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”

I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”

A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.

Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!

So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”

We all winked at each other and got in our cars.

Teamwork.

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs

[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over

Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.

GF: What’s my biggest flaw?

ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you

GF: No come on, I mean pacifically

ME: We should split up

to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy

Times when calories don’t count:

1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner

2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack

3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot

4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did

The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.