I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
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Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.