I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
My blood type is coffee.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
