I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
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This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real