Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up

I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*

Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.

serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!

I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone

firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

ME: So you’re into football?

DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.

ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.

HER: I need to see other people.

[creating anchovies]

God: How can we ruin pizza?

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight

Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead

Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack

Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together

Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?

Okay this one takes it home

concern

Nothing is scarier than teaching your teen to drive. Except teaching them to drive on the highway. And teaching them to drive at night. Or on the highway at night. Also on the highway at night during the week of Christmas.

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.

He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s

[takes tylenol and goes about the day]

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s

[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim

Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly

“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”

~ whiskey

Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story