I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
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911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
fair
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.