I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
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Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
but that was my emotional support daylight
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.