Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved

Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this

Thursday

Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.

Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body

Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?

ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –

Obicron Kenobi

Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too. 

Attention children:

Mom is closed.

I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.

When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

Her: Are you getting off early today?

Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!

Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”

A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.

A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”

Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

{confused hamster}

*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”

[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT

In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”

I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.

(Electricians.)

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.